where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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