I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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