it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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