Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
