think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
