My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Your cock deserves a montage
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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