my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
