it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
