i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
