I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
