took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is Oprah even human
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
