Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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