So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
