Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
