I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
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Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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