I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
