Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
ok first of all what the fuck
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
