I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it because I queefed?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
