Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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