This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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