Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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