Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
