i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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