Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
