Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
