the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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