also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
