There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
