FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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