im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
