every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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