i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
