My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
