Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
