nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
