one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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