"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
