just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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