In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
