You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
