i already hear my dad disowning me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
