What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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