I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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