the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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