If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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