She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?