youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.