I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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