i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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