oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Randomize
