I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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