That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
