Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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