this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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