I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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