The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
nutella sex= disaster
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
