I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
