My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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