I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
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im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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