I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
