yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
