and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
