Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
