Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
