OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
