I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
