Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
