you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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